Saying 'No'‏

Are you saying "yes" to things you don't really want to do? Are you taking on more than you can reasonably handle? Are you spending less time on yourself and your loved ones because your schedule is too intense?

If you have trouble saying "no", you're not alone. We all find ourselves in situations where we say "yes" to others when we really want to say "no". For example, the friend who insists on buying you another round, the boss who sees you as the willing workhorse, or the mother-in-law who invites herself to stay.

You may think you are being "Mr Nice Guy" by going along with these requests but you know what? When you give in too easily and too often, people simply see you as an easy target to exploit. You've exposed your weakness and they will impose on you time and again.

Reacting angrily to what you might see as an unreasonable request is equally inappropriate. It may result in you being seen as hostile. In the workplace an angry refusal to do a piece of work may brand you as being un-cooperative.

The only viable solution that does not upset others or make you feel bad is the assertive one.

A good definition of assertiveness is when you stand up for your rights while accepting the rights of others. For example, if you're not contractually obliged to do what you're being asked, you have the right to say "no", just as much right as the other person to ask you. If a problem develops, resolve to work together on a solution. Try to reach a mutual compromise, rather than always compromising yourself.

Here's how you can learn to say no assertively.

Make "no" the first word out of your mouth so that others can see there is no hesitation or doubt. Remind yourself that they'll respect you more for being so definite.

Think through your fears about their possible reactions. Be rational about them. Don't let the fear of what they might think of you force you to do something you don't want to do.

Use a clear, assertive style: no ifs and buts, no excuses, no apologising. Thank the person for considering you for the request; say you are flattered and honoured.

And don't feel as though you have to find solutions to their problem; don't dwell on it afterwards or feel responsible for their problem.

Reclaim the time that's rightfully yours.